Requiem For The One True Color

Bigfoot felt obligated to believe in evolution as he was generally considered the living embodiment of the missing link, or rather he would be considered the living embodiment of the missing link if anyone could ever find him. Bigfoot was very lost. He had been so certain that the giant footprints he had left with such care would have led someone to him by now, but here he was in the forest all alone and very lost. In fact, if it wasn't for the abundance of nice smoky mushrooms he had found, Bigfoot was certain he would have starved to death by now. The truth is, he had never really considered himself much of a woodsman. He much preferred to sit down at the bookstore with a fascinating new book on quantum physics or have friends over for a Jeopardy! party. But as things stood, Bigfoot was forced to accept that he was going to have to deal with being lost in the woods for a while longer.

It was quickly becoming late afternoon and he really hated late afternoons. It was the time when shadows lurched like thin sickly specters across the leaf litter looking for short squat pockets of darkness to dance hideous waltzes with. Bigfoot sat down on a log and wondered if there was a God. He knew there wasn't and that we were all spontaneously created out of nothingness, but he was so lost and so in need of divine help that just for a moment he doubted himself. With his head bowed and his hope leaking out in the same way tomato juice leaks out of a tomato when it hits a wall, Bigfoot prayed. He prayed that God would send him a rescuer, someone to lead him out of this dark wood and back to civilization.

After a few moments he raised his head and was surprised to see before him a trinity of beings. The large hulking shape of the Loch Ness monster dominated his sight, but not lost completely were also Santa Clause and the most magical creature he had ever seen - a beautiful white unicorn which snorted and pounded its hoof in front of him in a way that was both graceful and regal. He blinked and for just a second questioned the wisdom of eating all those mushrooms earlier. But he had to admit, these creatures certainly seemed to be real and as long as that's how they seemed, then he would have to proceed on the premise that they were.

So Bigfoot snarled with an animalistic rage and lunged at the Loch Ness monster. With a single bite, he ripped out the whole length of her twenty foot throat and in the same motion turned and smashed in the unicorn's skull. Santa Clause tried to run, but Bigfoot quickly decapitated and ate him.

As he sat in the gooey entrails slowly chewing on bits of tasty flesh, he thought about God and paused for a moment to say a blessing for this tasty meal.